As I was scrolling facebook I see all these posts about weight loss and the new Keto Diet and it just makes me shake my head…
I feel like the search for weight loss is the first step in the journey. Because we want something more, we are being pulled to something more but we don’t know exactly what it is and we believe the easiest thing for us to control is our food.
Back when I was searching for the best diet and losing weight what I really wanted was connection and self-love and I didn’t know any better so thought if I lost weight it would fix all my problems.
I was seeking something more, a career that I enjoyed instead of going to work for someone else, but I couldn’t control my career, I needed money. So I’d binge eat and drown the pain of wanting something that was unobtainable, or so I thought at the time.
I was seeking love from my husband at the time, but I couldn’t make him love me and I thought if I lost weight he would love me again. It was far easier than to face the pain of divorce when deep down I know that is where we were headed.
I wanted a support system, someone to lift me up when I was down. I felt crushed and had no confidence so I thought if I went on a diet I would lose weight and gain confidence and find the people I so badly wanted a connection with.
I wanted to LIVE a life of happiness and joy, I wanted to travel and experience life, but I was overweight and stuck in a scarcity mindset. I had given up and was just living for the weekend, that we spent… going to the mall… or shopping… spending all our hard earned money on “stuff” (I can’t even tell you where that money went) because we couldn’t afford to travel.
Everything I wanted in my life, that wasn’t there, was super scary. I didn’t have the confidence to step out of my comfort zone in that way, but I could go on a diet and change my body to what I thought others wanted and then maybe I would find the love I was searching for. Maybe then I’d be happy.
For me, however, it hasn’t been as easy as just going on a diet. I tried, lord knows I tried. I’d diet, I’d work out for hours a day, and my weight did not budge. I’d feel restricted and even if I could get through a full 6-week plan I rarely lost any weight and my disappointment led to bingeing.
But then I realized even if I was overweight I could still do the hard things. And, oh how I dealt with the hard things. I got divorced, I moved into an apartment on my own. I dropped 30lbs in a month, not even trying because of all the stress.
I started seeking out who I was without anyone telling me who I had to be. I’d try new things and slowly I began to find myself.
I got engaged and kept putting off our wedding because I was overweight, but the more I tried to lose the weight, the more frustrated I’d get that the needle on the scale didn’t budge. I was eating healthier than ever and working out up to 2 hours a day, but still the weight held on.
Then one day I realized I was putting off living my life because of my weight. I’d lost years of LIVING because I was overweight, I was putting off marrying the love of my life for 50lbs. – and the kicker, he didn’t care about the weight he loved me for who I was. He encourages me every day to be the best me I can be.
Once I realized this, I stopped letting my weight hold me back. Yeah, I could still lose 50lbs, but through a lot of hard work and connection (to nature and my body), I’ve learned to love my body, not for how it looks but for how it feels. When I’m in alignment and in tune with my body it is the most amazing feeling. So instead of seeking out a number on a scale and beating up myself when my body just doesn’t want to be there – I seek out that amazing connected feeling.
I may be overweight but, I am perfectly healthy. I still workout but I’m not obsessive about it, I do what feels good to me and my body at that moment. I eat as healthy as I can but I don’t freak out if there is dessert – instead, I enjoy it.
So I no longer seek out diets, I seek out what feels good, I’ve found who I am on a soul level and I take great pleasure in helping other women find that connection with their bodies and helping them to finally LIVE again.
So I ask you, what is it YOU really want? What’s stopping you from getting it?